Thursday, June 20, 2013

these are my thoughts. in no order that will make sense

Its been almost a week since I had my life threatening experience. A week of laying in bed, looking out the window and replaying what happened that scary day. Its what I think about most. I cannot help it. The memories of dripping in my own sweat and crying out in pain. Oh, the pain. Something I will never forget.
Like feeling like the life is draining from you.
Watching Jimmy's face as he watches the monitor flash that my blood pressure is dropping. Feeling his never ending grip on my hand as if to tell me that he will hold on if I won't. Sensing his stress and worry.
Being told that I am in fact, not infertile. But that this baby is killing me.
Immediately being prepped for emergency surgery. My first surgery at that.
Being so scared. But feeling the peace and comfort of my father and husband blessing me.
Having another episode of pain while getting wheeled into the operating room.
Waking up crying, shaking, and scratching my face. Having nurses crowded around me telling me that I was so brave and apologizing to me.
Being wheeled passed my parents and husband to hear my mom tell me how I was a momma and that it was a big baby.
Having nurses come in all night long because I had lost so much blood.
Mumbling to every nurse who checked on me that I was not infertile.
Remembering what its like listening to my doctor tell me how close to the line I had gotten. He kept saying how much my body had gone through. And how there was so much internal bleeding. My lungs were inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.
He held up his fist, explaining that the fetus was as big as my uterus, which is equivalent to my fist. He then pointed to the small end of a pen, and told me that was the size of my fallopian tube. And that is where the fetus had developed.
He could not believe how well my body hung on. The whole thing could have gone wrong in so many places, but he told me he is amazed at how well I pulled through.
I cannot fathom how a fetus survived that long in there. And for those few months I had no clue. No sickness, still running around doing my day to day activities. Its just crazy.
I keep trying to figure out the reason for all of this. A lot of me feels like it is a lesson of hope to us. That even though you might feel like you are so lost in your own trials, Heavenly Father already has his plans set in motion. We just have to remember to keep trusting in him and not give up.
Right now I am doing okay. This week has been very rough on me. But I woke up this morning feeling better than I have all week. I am still in pain and my tummy is covered in bruises. It hurts to breathe and I still need help with simple day to day things. But I am learning to not rush myself and to put my situation in God's hands.
Thank you so much to all of your sweet support and kind words! I cannot believe how much help we have gotten. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouraging messages. I read every one of them every day and it keeps me going. So thank you thank you thank you!

1 comment:

  1. Kailie. You are so amazing and I look up to you in so many ways! Thank you for being strong despite not feeling strong and for putting your faith in God. He knows what He's doing even if we don't. It's hard to understand why we go through certain things but if you came so close to the "line" and are still here to talk about it...then our Father has something special in store for you! And I'm so excited that you can get pregnant!!!!

    Your post made me cry but not for sadness. I'm so glad you're being well taken care of and that you're married to my brother. You are in such great hands! Love you tons, sis! Let me know what I can do for you!


Thank you for your kind words!