these are my thoughts. in no order that will make sense

Its been almost a week since I had my life threatening experience. A week of laying in bed, looking out the window and replaying what happened that scary day. Its what I think about most. I cannot help it. The memories of dripping in my own sweat and crying out in pain. Oh, the pain. Something I will never forget.

Like feeling like the life is draining from you.

Watching Jimmy's face as he watches the monitor flash that my blood pressure is dropping. Feeling his never ending grip on my hand as if to tell me that he will hold on if I won't. Sensing his stress and worry.

Being told that I am in fact, not infertile. But that this baby is killing me.

Immediately being prepped for emergency surgery. My first surgery at that.

Being so scared. But feeling the peace and comfort of my father and husband blessing me.

Having another episode of pain while getting wheeled into the operating room.

Waking up crying, shaking, and scratching my face. Having nurses crowded around me telling me that I was so brave and apologizing to me.

Being wheeled passed my parents and husband to hear my mom tell me how I was a momma and that it was a big baby.

Having nurses come in all night long because I had lost so much blood.

Mumbling to every nurse who checked on me that I was not infertile.

Remembering what its like listening to my doctor tell me how close to the line I had gotten. He kept saying how much my body had gone through. And how there was so much internal bleeding. My lungs were inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.

He held up his fist, explaining that the fetus was as big as my uterus, which is equivalent to my fist. He then pointed to the small end of a pen, and told me that was the size of my fallopian tube. And that is where the fetus had developed.

He could not believe how well my body hung on. The whole thing could have gone wrong in so many places, but he told me he is amazed at how well I pulled through.

I cannot fathom how a fetus survived that long in there. And for those few months I had no clue. No sickness, still running around doing my day to day activities. Its just crazy.

 

 

I keep trying to figure out the reason for all of this. A lot of me feels like it is a lesson of hope to us. That even though you might feel like you are so lost in your own trials, Heavenly Father already has his plans set in motion. We just have to remember to keep trusting in him and not give up.

 

Right now I am doing okay. This week has been very rough on me. But I woke up this morning feeling better than I have all week. I am still in pain and my tummy is covered in bruises. It hurts to breathe and I still need help with simple day to day things. But I am learning to not rush myself and to put my situation in God's hands.

 

Thank you so much to all of your sweet support and kind words! I cannot believe how much help we have gotten. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouraging messages. I read every one of them every day and it keeps me going. So thank you thank you thank you!

random bits + you probably didn't know.

 

I thought I was being gentle. From the looks of how that kitten is holding on for dear life though....

 

Last week's FHE. Getting our flower beds all pretty. Mostly hubs did all the work. I weeded. And measured out the plants. But later found out that I let the bushes be planted crooked. Hubs could only laugh. I tried, ya know?

 



 And I clearly killed my flowers. Didn't even have them for a day. Luckily hubs rescued them.

 

More in the flower beds.

 Grilled pineapple, chicken, and sweet potatoes. I love that most of my weeknights are spent at home now.

 

 Current entertainment. This says a lot about us.

 

Just little tidbits from around the house.

 

 

 

 

- FYI I cannot prepare any meals with my hair down. I always have to pull it up if I'm dealing with food. Hair and food= gross.

 

- Hubs likes his milk warm. He leaves the gallon sitting out all day so it'll be nice and warm for dinner. Yuck. It took me a while to not put it in the fridge anytime I saw it sitting out. I don't drink it anyways so its all his. Warm yuckiness and all.

 

- Today was the first day in a little over a week that I've actually had energy and motivation to be productive. Modern food kills me, man. I'm trying to get it out of my body and I actually feel a lot better today. Still have a headache and tummy troubles but I've got energy to clean the house, work, grocery shop, etc. Feels great to not be a bum.

 

- My sister came home from Washington today. Yippeeee!

 

- I've got a whole lotta veggies to start making a whole lotta salsa. I'm going to be eating that goodness for weeks. So excited.

 

- That is all for my ramblings.

I belong

 

 

 

I have found this particular place to be a sanctuary to me. This week has been kind of a hard one on me. I don't mean to throw a pity party on the blog, but I do try to keep it real here. I am going through a new process trying to help my hormones. I was dumbstruck when I found out that through my clean eating, my body had already done so much healing on its own. But still, I've got a long ways to go. Since I create close to no progesterone, I'm trying to take it in a pill form. Hopefully it will help my body balance out and teach it to create hormones on its own.

 

I'm praying and hoping that we have come close to answers. Its not easy. With crazy new hormones and an unbalanced body, you get side effects. I've come to the conclusion, as many have, that it makes you feel pregnant, but without the nice little package at the end. I'm exhausted all day, I am sick from the moment I wake up, its been almost fifty days since I've had my last cycle, and don't even get me started on the emotional junk.

 

I called my doctor, I even got a blood pregnancy test to be sure. I was told it is actually normal to feel this way for a while. At least I'm not dizzy anymore. THANK GOODNESS.

 

Anywho, I don't mean to ramble about poor me. And I hope it doesn't come off that way.

 

Last night I really felt like I needed some comfort after feeling so discouraged and lonely. I turned off the stove, grabbed my keys, and just drove until I reached the temple. As I pulled up I realized it was closed. I got out to walk around with myself. Just me. For a long time not a single other person was there. It was so....peaceful. I've never been so alone at the temple, yet I've never felt like I was surrounded by people who love and care about me so much. I stayed until my fingers felt like ice and my tummy reminded me of the dinner I still had to finish at home. I left feeling like I was enough. And a little recharged.

 

It was so nice to have that experience. I doubt I will ever be lucky enough to have that sweet moment all to myself again, but hopefully the photos and word I write will help me to remember that I can turn to this special place anytime.

 

 

 

 

In other news, I am loving my new LG Optimus G phone! All of the above photos were taken right from my phone and weren't filtered or photo shopped at all. This baby does everything for me!

you are beautiful!

 

I love the approach Dove has taken the past couple of years. They see the beauty in everyone. I love that!

 

 

 

Remember this video from 2010?

 

 

They have a new one with a great message too!

 

 

 

 

 

In case you haven't been told yet today, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

 

 

I

 

 

Answered Prayers

via

 

 

I walked through the door after work and switched on the news right after it happened. Something I rarely even do. I watched the replay of the explosions and listened to runners share what shook their world. I saw a lot of brutally injured people with faces badly burned and legs needing amputations. I kept thinking about the past two shootings we just experienced as a nation as well. So many stresses and worries kept running through my head. How am I supposed to bring children into this world? How do I protect them from any of this harm?

 

I later answered my door as I heard the bell ring right before dinner. Members of a search party were on my door handing me a flier and asking if I had seen a young girl who went missing. I had not. And I was feeling very overwhelmed once again.

 

In the past I have dealt best with other's tragedy by pretending it never happened. I do not like living or watching others live in sadness. I am very sensitive to other's pain but try to push it away.

 

But yesterday I felt like I needed to be better. I learned to accept the hardships we may be facing and do what I can do. Later that night my husband and I prayed for the others. Their losses, hardships, and the world they're living in.

 

Today I have seen prayers being answered. That young girl had been found safe and as I watched the news this morning, I kept hearing runners tell stories of how others reached out to them. People were starting to see the good in each other as they pulled together.

 

I've realized that I won't be able to shelter my family from the dangers of the world once again. But as much as I hate to admit it, its okay. Because even though there is some pretty scary stuff out there, there is also a lot of good this world has to offer us.

 

I've made a goal today to always look for the best when it seems hardest to.

 

 

via

 

jabber about mostly yesterday

 

 

What's new around here? 

 

 

I've been exhausted all week. Tired every day. Going to bed at 9:30 then waking up around 7. I can't figure out why I'm a zombie. Maybe I need to be more strict with my diet, I've been slacking a bit this week.

 

The hubs requested a grilled chicken dinner and cherry pie for his birthday. I'm still shocked he picked chicken over steak. I kept bugging him about it until he got annoyed and reminded me it wasn't my birthday we were celebrating. For the pie I used cherries from our tree and man! That was a yummy pie. Especially hot with some ice cream. Actually, a sliver of pie with my bowl of ice cream. If we're being honest here. ;)

 

 

We got some work done in the garden yesterday. Planted 40 new strawberry plants and a lot of potatoes. Last year each was such a success and we didn't have nearly enough, so hopefully we'll get tons this year. I'm picturing homemade strawberry frozen yogurt this summer. Lots of it.

 

 

I added a lot of new tunes to my ipod yesterday. New tunes=motivation to work out. I also painted my nails red. I could have spent the time doing much more productive things such as cleaning my house or pulling weeds, but I really felt like I needed to unwind after my crazy work week. Priorities priorities.

 

 

We played around Rock Canyon yesterday as well. I couldn't stay long because I had to work in the evening, but it was glorious while I was there. I walked around and decided we needed to get some more hikes and rock climbing into our routine. Pronto. Hubs loves that suggestion. :)

 

 

We are hoping to get a puppy soon. Shocker, I know! One of the only things Hubs and I disagree on is dogs. We do not share the same likes when it comes to dog breeds. The only one we even agree on is an Australian Shepherd. But our house isn't that big, plus our yard is getting pretty tight with 2 bunnies, 4 chicks, and a good sized garden. BUT! did you know they have mini Aussies?

Perrrrrfect. The hubs said it was a good compromise. I really don't feel like I'm compromising at all though. That man is a gem. Win win.

 

 

 

 



happy birthday, my love!

Today is my Hubby's birthday! He doesn't like me making a big deal out of it, but I do!

 

 

Just a few reasons why I love this man of mine:

 

- He makes me laugh. Everyday!

 

 

 

- He works so hard for us. Always putting in long hours at his job and then coming home to work on other projects like our house or garden.

 

 

 

- I love it when he cooks, he's a great cook. Plus he always uses lots of fresh herbs that I would be too scared to use. And it turns out perfect every time.

 

 

 

- He puts up with my "athletic" sleep patterns every night. Always getting his blankets stolen, smacked in the face, literally kicked off the bed. Sorry that you never get a full nights of rest, babe.

 

 

 

- He is super smart!

 

 

 

- He's an awesome gift giver. He is always going all out for my gifts. He puts so much time and effort into surprising me and making sure I get the best of the best. He's not one to come home every day with flowers, but when he does give me flowers, its three bouquets. I always love and appreciate his sweet gifts.

 

 

 

- He washes the dishes every night after dinner. When we moved into our house there were literally no appliances. Furnace? Who needs heat? Hot water heater? Freezing showers are better! Really though, no appliances. So we put in a lot when we first moved in, but are still adding in some of our basics when we can. And haven't gotten to the dishwasher yet. Which means washing by hand it is. So he is really sweet to always be on "dish duty" after dinner. Thank you, babe!

 

 

 

 

Happy birthday, Jimmy! I hope this year brings you a lot of adventure and happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

I love you!

 

 

a 'lil camping getaway was a good idea

 We took a little over nighter camping trip to Big Springs this weekend. Just the hubs and I. I knew fully well that we were most likely going to be rained out on and and probably wake up frozen, but oddly enough, that weather wouldn't stop me this time. I wanted to get some fresh air! The hubs picked Big Springs because there are usually porta-pottys set up along the way (for me), but when we showed up there were none. Jimmy told me it was okay if I wasn't comfortable with the trip anymore. But oddly again, I told him we might as well just go since we had been planning on it all week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I'm so glad we stuck with it! It is SO beautiful this time of year. The weather turned out being warmer than we planned for, the rain had already passed, and nobody was around, except us and some deer.

 

 

I had prepared my first dehydrated backpacking meal. We started off pretty simple with a brown rice, broccoli, and meat dish. It was a success and I can't wait to test out a lot of other recipes.

 

 

 

I just wish the ground was better for sleeping on. Even with a good pad, my achy shoulders kept me up a lot of the night. I just about kissed my fluffy bed yesterday as I crawled into it. 

 

I actually had a really hard time with the majority of the hike up. I haven't worked any of the muscles needed in a long time and lost all of my stamina. Not that I had much to lose anyways. I kept having to stop and I just wanted to dump out all of the water I was lugging up. I was sweating and breathing so hard. But once we made it to camp, I was so proud of myself for not giving up! My buns- not so happy right now. ;)

I was very prepared for cold and wet weather. Almost too prepared. While packing, Hubs said to me, "FOUR pairs of pants?!" I just smiled and said, "Yep!" Obviously he was the one carrying my clothes.

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Anybody else loving all of the conference messages spoken this weekend? Lots of good stuff!

 

 

 

 

because people have asked

This post is really long. There is just so much I have to say....

 

I feel like I've opened up a lot about my health. I used to never share with anyone about my battles with infertility. And my crazy wacko hormones. But I'm learning that the more I open up to others, I find networks of people who can relate to me in some way. And because (at least for now) I have decided to take a more natural approach to my situation, people start to get really curious. I have seen a lot of doctors, had a lot of consultations, I even had a consultation for in vitro. Not that we were really considering it, but I wanted to be informed and keep my options open anyways. Because my body can't quite get this whole hormone thing right (it all stated with insulin resistance), it most likely would not be able to carry an infant to full term, especially because of the lack of progesterone I create. And, high chances are, that if I were to carry an infant to full term, it would prob be low birth weight and very nutrient deficient. But I try to not worry about that right now. Today we are focusing on actually getting my body to have a complete menstrual cycle. And absorb the nutrients I feed it. Just one day at a time.

 

I do not tell you this stuff to make you pity me. I do not pity myself. In fact, there are times when I am grateful for this trial. I have learned so much about health the past few months. Sure it would be nice to have perfect health, but seeing as that didn't happen, I've learned to see the positive side of things.

 

So here is my plan. I've got to heal my gut. If I can heal my digestive system, rid my body of toxins, actually absorb the nutrients, and create a happy climate for my reproductive system, then I'll be able to have a healthy baby- without all of the meds. I'm not knocking out western medicine at all. Because I am still in the beginning stages of this, and am completely open and okay with getting some help from doctors if needed. And, I am seeing a doctor right now who tests all of my levels, and gives me guidance in a more natural approach.

 

I'm doing it mainly through the GAPS diet with some Paleo diet as well. Mostly a primal diet. Real food, not junk. No preservatives. No canned or boxed food, not that we used much of that stuff anyways. No refined sugars or carbs. No commercial animal products. No high starches or gluten.

I could go on and on about what I can't have, but I'd rather focus on what I can have. Haha.

 

Basically I have been eating a lot of veggies, REAL meat where the animals see the sun, aren't treated of antibiotics or hormones, and preferably ate a natural diet. The same goes for all other animal products. I eat fresh fruit, though I try to not go overboard, because its still sugar. I enjoy all kinds of nuts too.

 

I have to take it one day at a time or else I get overwhelmed. And when I am doing well, I feel great! My meals are pretty simple but yummy and I feel like I am finally starting to get the hang of it.

 

Some yummies I've been wanting to try...

 

Pancakes

 

 

Pizza

 

 

just fresh herbs and cream cheese over cucumbers, yum!

 

 

Peanut Butter Cookies

 

 

 

 

Rustic Bread

 

 

 

Chocolate cake

 

 

 

 

 

I keep the majority of my recipes and ideas on Pinterest. Here are a few of my boards if you are looking to eat a little bit more healthy.

 

Main Dishes

Snacks

Desserts

 

 

 

MMMM! I'm getting hungry looking at these pictures. I'll be documenting this journey and track my progress on here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me and I'll try to answer them!

 

K seriously though, I'm now starving. Bye.

 

What I Want to Remember

(And a mashup of random photos from my little trip)

 

After hearing of the loss of my grandpa early this week, I grabbed a booked flight to California where I spent time with my family and attended his funeral. He passed away very unexpectedly and sudden,  at a young age.

 

 

 

 

 I had a lot of thinking time on my hands while I was there. And time to learn more about him and my grandma. Something I wish I would have done more of while they were still with us. A few memories kept playing over and over in my mind. Memories I would want to remember.

 

 

 

 

Like the time I gave my grandpa a plastic lighter from the dollar store for Christmas years ago. He was so excited to have it and made such a big deal, because I was so proud myself. He later put it away with all of his other five or so lighters.

 

Grandpa's Donald Duck voice was how I remembered him playing with us.

 

Tea Parties with my Grandma. She would spend the morning making tiny sandwiches and pastries while my sister and I would dress up like old 1900's stars. My grandma provided lots of tulle skirts, high heels, white gloves, scarves, hats, purses, and sunglasses for us to wear. She collected fine china and tea sets we would later sip our lemon aid from while we sat around the fancy pastel table decorated with flowers.

 

She taught us to be girly, glamorous, classy and to be kind. 

 

He taught us to work hard.

 

 

 

I want to remember all of the times us kids played on that old wooden swing my Grandpa hung from the tree in the backyard. Hours were spent spinning around and around and swinging back and forth.

 

They taught us to never stop serving others.

 

 

And all of those long sunny California days spent at the clubhouse pool. We practically grew up as fish.

 

I want to remember their love story. From the time my grandpa threw the ball over the fence so he could meet my grandma when they were just young teenagers to the love notes my grandpa wrote.

 

 

 

My grandma used to send us to the tub then call us, "squeaky clean" after. She would spend a good deal of time brushing our hair whenever we asked her to. She would brush and brush until we achieved our "bunny hair" as she would call it. My sister and I sure loved our bunny hair.

 

 

 

I will always remember the time when my Grandpa pulled Jimmy and I aside right after we were just married, he counseled us to "never get off our honeymoon- to always remember how we felt about each other at that time." We still talk about that piece of advice and try to live up to it.

 

 

 

The last time I saw my Grandpa was just this past Christmas. He continued on the tradition of reading the Nativity story one last time and we all later played another crazy round of "White Elephant." Where in our family, the ultimate goal is to find the gifts my grandpa stashed the most money in. I had no idea that would be the last time I would see him. Had he not passed away, he would have been here looking at a house to buy so they could be closer to most of the family. But he was needed on the other side more than we needed him here.

 

 

 

 

 

I loved and still love my all my grandparents. I'm so grateful for the years I have had with them, I want to always remember the lessons they taught me and the examples they set for me and am happy that my family is sealed for eternity.