"its okay, momma"

*Warning: this is looooong and jumbled up post with raw and personal feelings. Read only if you think you can handle me ;) *



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For the longest time I have been bugged with a little voice at the back of my head that tells me to write a certain post about a certain subject. One that is very personal to me. One that I personally wouldn't just post for the world to see. But for some reason I keep feeling like I'm supposed to write. Who knows? It might help someone else in the same situation. Or it might help me meet someone who's going through the same thing. Or maybe just the therapy of writing down my thoughts is what I need. Now, before I get throw my whole life out there. Let me make one thing clear. DO. NOT. PITY. ME. Geez I really hate that. That's what Mr. Hubs is for ;)


Infertility.

There. I said it. Can we leave now?

Just kidding.

Its so tricky figuring out how much to say and what to say. I feel like you aren't supposed to talk to people about stuff like this. But then that little voice pops in again and bugs you to talk about it. Plus, I really don't like talking to people face to face about it. Its just awkward and usually the person I'm talking to starts to "feel bad" for me and sometimes they cry for me or try to tell me encouraging words and I'm just standing there like, "Stop it you really don't want to crack this egg"  and then everything is just all depressing and weird. So. Just let me ramble and then we'll move on?

But anywho, that's not what this whole post is about. At least, those aren't my intentions.


I had an Ah-ha! moment yesterday. A big Ah-ha! moment.

 My whole life I've wanted to be a  mom. I remember in elementary school when I would fill out those "about me" papers and I got to the question that asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up. Without hesitation I would always fill in, "a mom" with wobbly handwriting. There was nothing else I thought about for my future. Rewind years before that. We found a family home video that recorded us older siblings meeting our baby sister for the first time at the hospital. I sat on that bed with my momma and kept patting my new baby sister, wrapping my arms around her, and shoving that darn binky back in her mouth because dang it, that's where it was supposed to go!

So fast forward to the present. I am told after seeing what feels like a bajillion doctors that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS- actually very common) and after being on what feels like even more than a bajillion meds and basic fertility treatments, I am "infertile" and will most likely need help with in vitro fertilization and/or redo my entire hormonal system with synthetic hormone shots. (Don't freak out, remember!?) After thinking, praying, and talking it over with the hubs, we both felt that wasn't the route for us right now. Luckily my momma has a passion for health and nutrition (hi mom!) and has been so kind to help me figure out my body with a more natural approach.

OK, blah blah blah I know I'm rambling. We really need to get moving.

ANYWHO, while surfing Amazon for more books that help you balance out hormones and conceive naturally through your nutrition, exercises, and lifestyle changes (On a side note I've actually felt a lot better this month, BOO-YA!), out of nowhere, I was hit with this overwhelming knowledge that I am a momma! I just don't have my babies here at the time. But somehow I could see so strongly in my mind my babies looking down on me. With physical body-like attributes. And I can hear them saying, "Momma calm down! We're coming when we are ready! We promise!" And out of all of that, the strongest feelings I have are comfort and happiness.

 My eyes have been wet writing this. Wet because I can't help but feel blessed and comforted through this whole experience.

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I told Jimmy last night that I'd be having 100 babies, because we aren't leaving even one behind.




SO, where am I supposed to be going with this? I'm not really sure. I can't tell you exactly how it all works out, and you can bet your dollar that there will be hard days, just like anyone else. We are all given our specific trials to overcome, and this is just mine. All we can do is keep our trust in God and push through it with our best efforts. Because really, I know it will all work out in the end.

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*All writings are my personal feelings and I am very sensitive on the subject. We each handle life in different ways and this is what's helped me the most. Please be kind. I know I'm taking a deep dive posting this and I hope I won't have any regrets in doing so.*





Happy almost Thanksgiving my friends! The hubs can tell you all that I've been rather annoying around these parts, its the holiday spirit, duh! "Oh, the weather outside is frightful......" ;)